Mental Health Awareness: "I Was Scaring My Friends"

In honor of Mental Health Awareness month, we are opening up about our personal journeys, how our understanding of mental health has evolved overtime, and the ways healing can change as we grow and learn more about ourselves.

We also talk about the balance between using medication, mindset, and intentional self care as tools to support us in figuring it out one day at a time.

Sip of the week: Raspberry Frosted Lemonade 

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey, I'm Noelle. And I'm Marissa, but Noelle calls me Pete. Yep. And welcome back to Take It Home!

unknown 0:08

Woo!

SPEAKER_01 0:10

Um, hey guys. Another day, another dollar. Another day, another dollar. Holla. Today, for the last, our last sode in May, we are going to be doing a sode on mental health because May is mental health awareness month. Yeah. And I know we talk about mental health a lot. I've frequently talked on the podcast about how I've struggled with anxiety and OCD, and Pete has struggled with mental health as well. We haven't done a full sode on it, and I wanted to dive in even more and talk about my entire journey with anxiety and how that has affected my life and when it all started and whatnot. And maybe some of you all can relate. But first, Sippy of the Wiki. Sippy of the Weeky. Well, it's morning too, so like I'm able to sing even lower. Like I feel like my voice is wiki. You can sing so much lower than me. I randomly have a pretty low register.

SPEAKER_00 1:33

I can't go lower. Okay, Baritone. That's wild. It's weird that my voice can physically not do that. Yeah, I don't know why mine can. But then you're also a soprano.

SPEAKER_01 1:53

I know. She's got rain. I guess I've got rain job. I can sing low, I can sing high. So funny. Okay. Sippy of the wiki. It's a good one. It's a really good one this week. And it matches my room. It's so cute and pink.

SPEAKER_00 2:12

It is so cute and pink. Let me tell you how I achieved this. First of all, I have to say, I went into the grocery store expecting to get something completely different. Um I wanted to make this blackberry thing. And the grocery store was, of course, out of blackberries. What do you mean? But then there was all these raspberries next to it. So I said, okay, let me grab raspberries and let me just see what else I can find. And I ended up finding this frosted lemonade-flavored coconut milk. And I said, that sounds amazing. So then I grabbed that and I grabbed a lime. So what we have here, we put some fresh raspberries at the bottom and muddled it with just a little bit of agave, like a tiny squirt squirt. And then filled it until about like three-quarters of the way with the frosted lemonade coconut milk. Then I added a splash of lemon juice, a splash of lime juice, and I topped it with a raspberry lemonade culture pop soda. Just for a little sparkle. But you could top it with just regular seltzer or like any fizzy drink of your choice that would kind of be fitting. So we're calling it a raspberry frosted lemonade. We yes, we are. That is perfect. It's really good. And of course, flaky salt.

SPEAKER_01 3:29

Cheers. Cheers. There's like chunks of raspberry in it. But I'm someone who kind of like chunks. I I'm someone who kind of like Hello? I'm someone who kind of likes chunks.

SPEAKER_00 3:40

You're the first person on earth to say that.

SPEAKER_01 3:43

Really? I like texture. I love toppings and my ice cream. I like chunks. Said no one ever. Like pulp. It's kind of like pulp. Yeah, it gives a fun texture. It's like boba. And I guess if you don't like texture in your drink, you could definitely still do this and maybe just strain the raspberry juice or something. Or I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 4:09

You could make like a raspberry syrup, yeah. Or mash it more so it turns even more into like liquid. Maybe you put it on the stove. It's really good. That's our sip.

SPEAKER_01 4:20

This is good. One of my favorite sips we've had in a while. I love when we do something fruity and creamy. I also have my coffee, by the way. I'm jealous. Can I have a sip? Yes. I didn't have time to make coffee this morning. Well, I could have made time if I wanted to. But I woke up and I had to go to the straight to the pharmacy because they gave me the wrong prescription. Bum bum bum. Which seems like wrong and maybe illegal. I like I'm like, how did you give me the wrong? But did they give you the wrong one or did your doctor prescribe the wrong one? That's what I actually don't know. Because, well, I'm wondering if they just said that or if they were confused because how are they able to fix it without getting my doctor involved? You know what I mean? Like when I got it last time, they gave me the right thing. I asked for a refill, and now they're giving me this, and they said this is what your doctor prescribed. And then, but then they're like shuffling around in the back. And then when I just called, she was like, We can have your other one ready tomorrow. So I'm like, if my doctor actually gave the wrong prescription, wouldn't they not be able to give me the right one? Like, wouldn't they have to be like, you need to contact your doctor? I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 5:31

I know that I'm sometimes pharmacies, maybe the pharmacy's talking to the doctor, but I have no idea.

SPEAKER_01 5:36

I feel like either way, someone messed up. It was it's for my birth control prescription. I've been taking trisprintec literally for 12 years, and they gave me trilosprintek. And I was like, what is this low? What is this little low in the middle? And so I was doing some research and it's less estrogen. I don't really know much about hormones, but then I was doing all this research and I was like, are trilosprintec and trisprinted the same thing? And everything is like, no, there's a significant difference in the estrogen hormone in trilosprintec. And it's for different things too. Like I originally started it for acne. Trilosprintec doesn't help with acne. It's this a different pill. And I am not in the mood to put different hormones in my body right now and see how that changes me. Like, that is just not what I need.

SPEAKER_00 6:24

Because that can it can affect a lot of things in your life. That could like fuck me up. Yeah, a lot of people have really bad reactions to birth controls and stuff.

SPEAKER_01 6:32

Exactly. And I've never had a bad reaction to this one, at least that I know of. I mean, like, I haven't noticed. I feel like I've been pretty happy with this birth control. So the last thing I want is after 12 years to just suddenly start a different birth control when this one has been perfect. So, anyways, yeah, that's my saga for the morning! Smile of the week, smile, smile of the week. Smile of the week, smile, smile of the week. Well. Each time it's like a little bit different. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:29

I know, right? So my smile, I'm so sorry because I feel like every fucking week it has something to do with yoga. But you know what? Yoga's your smile. Yoga has been bringing me joy. And it's the small things in life. But I came up with this new kind of like Friday adventure for myself. You know, I have a yoga membership and I work a lot. So I really need to find ways to optimize my membership. And for me, that's like a lot of times waking up early and like going to the earlier classes. But the thing that's so great about the specific yoga studio that I go to is there's one near where I live, which is where I usually go, but there's also one an eight-minute walk away from where I work. So on Fridays, I work all day pretty much. With yoga schedule, it doesn't give a ton of time to like go to class. But I did find an early class, like a 7.50 class on Fridays. So instead of going to the one where I live that I live near, I went on Friday to the Tribeca location, which I had never been to before, and I packed my bag because they have like a full locker room there. And I did a nice 750 Friday morning flow and got ready fully in the locker room, which I've just it was so fun. Like I've never done that. Like got ready in the locker room and then went to work. But I like took a shower there and did my makeup, got fully ready, and then I still had time to kill. So of course I went to like a coffee shop, got a little coffee, sat down, edited the pod for a few minutes. Then I went to a deli, got a sandwich, I got a protein smoothie, and I went to work and I was still like I was early, I was, you know, on time, ready. I didn't feel rushed at all. And I just had a great start to my morning. That's an amazing start to your morning. It was so fun. It was just a great way to start it off. My Friday habit. I feel like in the past I would have been like, oh, I have to work all day. I don't have time to go to yoga. Because I was just so against like getting up early if I didn't have to. Yeah. But it's hard to get up. Literally, that's the hardest part. And then getting there, being there, how I feel after, it's so worth it every time. So that's what gets me out of bed. And it really helps that it's like spring, summer. It's warm weather. That helps me get up. The sun is rising earlier. Yeah. My little that's my new, like, I think every other Friday thing. Every other day. Interesting. Every other Friday I have to be at work even earlier to open it for the cleaners that come every every other week. Okay. So yeah. Um, it also was like a lot of money to go and like spend money on a coffee. That's where I had to rent a mat too, because I didn't want to lug my mat. So I rented a mat. I bought coffee. I bought breakfast. So it's like maybe every week that would be too much, but every other week feels like a perfect little thing to look forward to. Yeah. So that was my smile. Okay. What was yours?

SPEAKER_01 10:39

Mine was that. Well, I helped um my friend Jalen, who you guys know, um, he was on an episode of the podcast a few weeks ago. He plays Skylar Summerhill in My Life with the Walter Boys. He's one of me and Pete's good friends. I helped him with a self-tape yesterday for an audition. And it, I'm not gonna lie, it took way longer than I thought it would. However, it was very artistically fulfilling for me actually, because Jalen wanted my feedback and like coaching in a way too. So I felt like I wasn't just being a reader, and I I felt like I was being his acting coach or something, and I would like tell him, like, no, you need to turn your head this way in this part, and no, you should you need to do this scene like this. And I feel like I was actually really able to help him, which was fun for me. I feel like I self-tape read a lot, but I'm not always giving my input, um, which is totally fine. I would never offer acting advice to people who didn't ask for it, but it reminded me of my TA days back in college. I do really like helping people with self-tapes and stuff because I think I have a good eye for things. But it's so weird as an actor because then it's hard to implement it yourself sometimes. Like I feel like, do you feel that way in your self-tapes? Like you can watch other people and notice things and be like, oh, they should do this and this. But then when I'm doing a self-tape, I'm like, uh, and I suddenly forget everything that I know.

SPEAKER_00 12:05

Yeah, I feel like it's so much easier to pinpoint when you're looking at something, you know, not doing it. And also you're looking at it objectively. Yeah. So when it comes to yourself, it's like there's all of these other feelings about it. And it also means that you would have to sit down and watch your tape. Um, and a lot of times when I and obviously I watch my tapes, but like when I'm doing it, I kind of go with what feels the best. Yeah. And I'm not always looking at okay, what looked the best in the moment.

SPEAKER_01 12:37

Because sometimes it is really technical too. Yeah. Like some of the things would just be like literally this one part, he was scared that I was gonna punch him in the face, the character, obviously, and he turned like a certain way, but he turned towards me kind of. And I would af in the next take, I was like, in the next one, you need to turn away from me because why would you be turning towards me? But those are just things that you're not always thinking about in the moment because you're acting, it's not a real live situation. Obviously, if someone comes to punch you in real life, your instincts would kick in. But I don't know, sometimes little things like that, but it just reads differently on camera. Yeah. But, anyways, it was very artistically fulfilling for me, and I'm glad I could help him. And I I do like doing that, so it was fun. It feels like it helps me as an actor, too. You know? Um, so yeah, that was my smile. Love it. Love it, girl.

SPEAKER_00 13:34

Um, okay. Mental health. Mental health. The mental health struggles that I have faced have been more like situational. It's not something that I feel like I battle all the time. For sure. So I'll just give you the floor. Okay. And then you can tell about your journey. Tell about?

SPEAKER_01 13:55

I'm gonna tell about my journey. Um, so yeah, I guess I've wanted to do this kind of episode for a while because I I know I've mentioned having OCD and anxiety and stuff, and I'll I'll tell some stories, but not the full thing. But I'm just gonna tell you guys the journey of my anxiety. I'll try not to make it too long. So it honestly started off back in elementary school, but I didn't know what it was until my senior year of high school. So I went low-key a while dealing with anxiety and had no idea what it was. I just thought something was weird or wrong with me. So I remember, for example, all of middle school, people would make fun of me because I was the girl who had a water bottle everywhere. And for me, I if I didn't have a water bottle with me at all times, I was convinced that something really bad would happen. I thought that I would like throw up everywhere. I was just convinced that I would throw up without my water bottle near me. I would need it so much to a point where, for example, I remember I was so stressed on my eighth grade graduation day because I was like, I can't carry my water bottle with me down the aisle, like while we're going to graduate. So I had to go early, put a water bottle under my seat. Just little things like that. And if I didn't have water with me, I would start gagging and freaking out and whatever. So it kind of started like that. I remember bringing a water bottle with me to go whitewater rafting. I just like had to shove it in somewhere secretly. Even my senior year of high school, I put a little water bottle in the strap of my bra under my gown. And it's like some comfort thing to make sure that I don't like throw up or have a panic attack or something. But at the time I didn't know what a panic attack was. But yeah, that was just kind of constantly in my brain and on my mind. And I would get really anxious, but I didn't even know what the word anxious meant. I was just kind of like, whatever, this weird thing. If I have my water bottle, I'll be fine. Um, but if I don't, something bad will happen. And then go into high school, I was actually pretty fine most of high school until senior year. I mean, of course, I still had my water bottle thing, but it wasn't too much. But senior of high school is where my anxiety became super, super severe. And I remember my first day of high school, I felt really weird. And I was just so overwhelmed because I also don't really like change. And it just felt like, oh my gosh, I'm a senior in high school. I have to, this is my last year in Greensboro before I go off to college. What does the future hold? And just very nervous. And I just remember walking into high school on the first day and running to the bathroom and throwing up. And that was the start of me throwing up almost every single day for months because I was having such bad things. I would wake up and pretty much immediately just go and throw up. And I was not making myself throw up. It was literally my anxiety manifesting in that way.

SPEAKER_00 17:07

Ask a question. Yeah. Did you like tell your parents or people that this was happening, or was it something you kept to yourself?

SPEAKER_01 17:14

I told people actually the first day it happened. I remember something kind of clicked for me because my friend at the time in high school came to the bathroom with me when I threw up and I was kind of freaking out, and she struggles with anxiety, and she goes, Noel, I think you have anxiety. And I was like, Whoa, is that what this has been my whole life? But now it's just manifesting really badly. And so I did tell my parents they I think were very worried about me for the next couple of months. I couldn't really eat. I remember my favorite thing in the world, if you know me personally, is to go to haunted houses. And I remember I didn't go to a haunted house that October because I was so anxious. I was like, I just couldn't get myself to do things. I don't know how the fuck I was going to school. I don't know how I was doing anything. I was doing too much and I was doing it all. I guess I'm high functioning, so I didn't have to leave school. I probably could have if I wanted to. It really felt that bad for me. I was not myself. I didn't even feel like a person. And I just felt sick all the time. And so I started going to a therapist. It didn't really help my senior year, whatever. Um, second semester of senior year, I felt like a little bit better, but it was still present. Summer leading into college, I was just a wreck. I was a counselor at sleepaway camp. And I remember literally throwing up and having panic attacks while I was in charge of 16 young children's lives, and it was just a lot. And then I felt this off and on throughout all of college. I don't even know how to explain what it felt like. I was so anxious about being anxious. And that's how you know the cycle gets pretty bad because it wasn't circumstantial. It wasn't like anything. I don't even know what I was anxious about. I was just anxious. I think the first time I threw up, it just triggered something where I was so scared of throwing up all the time. I remember months before my audition for Elon, I was so anxious about it. Not because I was nervous about doing bad, but because I was nervous that I'd go in the room and throw up and ruin everything. But it manifested in such a way that I was just not a functioning person. It didn't feel like just, oh, like that would be crazy if I threw up. I really hope that doesn't happen. It was this intense fear that sat with me all day, every day. I was I threw up before my prom senior year because I was so anxious. Oh my gosh, I was just not myself.

SPEAKER_00 19:54

So then it's like a vicious cycle because then you're anxious about being anxious, which makes you anxious and so on and so forth.

SPEAKER_01 20:03

Yeah, so it's in when it's that bad, it's really hard to get out of without medicine or intense therapy and help. I think I told people how my I was having anxiety, but maybe I wasn't expressing the extent of how bad it was. My parents could tell senior year because I was living with them and I was throwing up every day and could barely eat and was just sobbing all the time. But especially in college, I just don't really know how to explain it to people. It I think I was embarrassed too. I didn't want to tell people, I'm anxious about being anxious. Let I don't know. It just sounded quote unquote crazy.

SPEAKER_00 20:41

Um, which I feel like even 10 years ago or you know, when this was happening for you, um, it wasn't talked about as much as it is now. No. So I feel like you know, there's still a lot for people to learn and understand about mental health, but I think the universal understanding has at least gotten better since that time. So I can understand how back then you would have felt like this is so like weird. Like people are gonna think this is weird. Because maybe people hadn't heard of that before, you know?

SPEAKER_01 21:16

And I feel like at Elon, people a lot of people struggle with mental health in the theater community, I guess. Not really sure why that is, honestly.

SPEAKER_00 21:26

Lots of reasons. I feel like what do you what do you think? Like, I think that as performers and as artists, okay. First of all, if you are in the arts, I think that you're just like most likely a more sensitive person in general. Um that's very true. Goes for all things, like you are just sensitive to energies, you are more in touch with your emotions, you feel things deeper. So that's one. And then also being a performer, you know, maybe you were raised to perform. Or maybe you have like this perfectionist mindset. Um, you're in a competitive environment, it's high intensity, it's high stakes, and that wasn't just college for a lot of people. I think some people may have experienced that growing up too, or like you're held to this high standard, or you're praised for your talent, and then you feel like you have to keep it up, and then you're in this intense environment that feels so high stakes at the time. Oh my gosh, you're coming off the audition process that feels like life or death, and it's just like you're in this bubble, and that amplifies everything even more. So, yeah, I can see how people were struggling in the program just because of the circumstances of being in a BFA program, but also just I think the way that we're wired as artists and performers and people who, you know, especially if you're like a dancer, I feel like the dance community can be hit or miss when it comes to like healthy mindset, toxicity. I know a lot of like our dancer friends struggled with trauma from that environment growing up, and that can go for a lot, you know, it just depends.

SPEAKER_01 23:15

But I can definitely I guess that does make a lot of sense.

SPEAKER_00 23:19

It does make sense, yeah. Uh so but yeah, I feel like I learned more a lot about like mental health because I don't know if it's something I even thought about. When you're younger, too, you don't know how, if you're not educated on it, you don't know how to place it, you know. Like you don't know how to process it. You may not know what's going on. That's why it feels so scary when you're really young.

SPEAKER_01 23:41

Yes. I just remember feeling very scared because I didn't know what anxiety was. All I I just thought something was really wrong with me. Was like I was just constantly fearing that something really bad would happen if I didn't have water with me. And it was so crazy, actually, to think about just these super big things in my life. I was more nervous about not being able to have a water bottle with me. And then it turned into me being scared about throwing up. Oh my gosh, it's just this weird cycle. Yeah. I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 24:12

Anyways, so yeah, I guess just all of those circumstances, plus being young, not knowing how to place it in your mind, how to deal with it, what it is. Um, I feel like I learned a lot more during my college years. Kind of having that community of everyone kind of going through the same thing and learning more, meeting all different kinds of people who struggle with all different kinds of things. I think it was a time for me to like really understand more, just about like life and humans and mental health.

SPEAKER_01 24:46

Yeah. I guess throughout most of college, I it was kind of off and on because I did have a very wonderful college experience. I loved Elon. I was happy for the most part, but there were definitely times when I would go through anxiety spells, I guess, where I'd have severe anxiety for a couple of months and then it would kind of lighten up. It really triggered me with dating in college. I've always been very anxious about boys, and that definitely stems from trauma and bad things that happened to me in high school or whatever. Also, probably growing up with a prosthetic eye. I thought that I was unworthy of being loved for a long time, blah, blah, blah. Um, I'm like being so intense right now. But uh I just remember a couple of experiences in college where I really liked guys and they would kind of string me along. And it didn't just make me sad or anxious to a normal extent. I feel like it would put me back into how I felt senior of high school, where I'd be throwing up over them, unable to stop talking about it, which I later learned literally like 10, not 10, maybe six years later in therapy. That's actually a part of OCD. I have serious rumination problems where I will have to think, for example, I just remember I had this incessant need to talk to my friends about things. And I would talk about the same situation over and over and over and over and over again. And I couldn't help it. It was like I knew that I couldn't stop talking about this thing, but I had to keep talking to my friends about it. Do you remember me talking to you like an insane amount about my boy problems?

SPEAKER_00 26:35

It's because sorry, I also feel like you talk to a lot of different people about it too.

SPEAKER_01 26:39

I would talk to everyone.

SPEAKER_00 26:40

Because you wanted to get like every answer, every opinion you could. Which, which I understand is a part of OCD and the mental health um thing, but I feel like it that's also a vicious cycle because I feel like terrible getting first of all, rumination and talking about it over and over doesn't it's like your brain wants to find an answer that doesn't exist. And then you also try to find it in someone else, which is why you were talking to everyone about it, wanting the different opinions, but then you have so many opinions and that doesn't help either. So I feel like that's part of the vicious cycle, dude. Because really, all of this that you were trying to alleviate something was making it worse.

SPEAKER_01 27:23

I wish that I had known this in college that it was OCD because I didn't realize talking about my problems to so many people and all the time was making the cycle so much worse. And I would talk to everyone and get everyone's opinion. I'm a very open person. I had, I was kind of friends with everyone in college, honestly. But it wasn't just me needing to vent. It didn't feel like I just needed to talk to a friend about something. I was trying to, it was my brain urgently needing answers to like just someone wouldn't text me back for a day. And I would have to talk to every single friend about it, and I'd be like, well, he didn't text me back, but yesterday he said this thing, and I just wouldn't sleep. I would could barely eat, and I would have to talk to everyone in so much detail about the same thing over and over and over again because it was my brain trying to find an answer because that's what the brain does. It searches for danger and searches for ways to protect you. But in situations like that, it does not actually help because you're not going to find the answers. The answers don't even exist. So, what I really needed to do back in the day at the time, I would be to just force myself to essentially not ask for people's opinions and somehow get myself to stop. I will say I didn't start taking medicine, which I'll get to soon, a few like three years ago. And I think that that's what's helped me to be able to control it better because it really felt uncontrollable for a long time. It felt like I was physically unable to not talk about something. And I just had no idea that that was a manifestation of OCD until later. And so yeah, I would go through these cycles in college, always so triggered with boys and dating and whatever. It would just make me feel literally insane. One time I did ask my therapist at the time, though, I was like, why do boys make me so anxious? And she was like, I think boys make you anxious because you're choosing boys who don't treat you well, and then that makes you anxious, which I do think that was part of it too. But uh, I saw multiple, or I guess not multiple, I saw two different therapists during college. One of them really, really changed my life. Shout out Solana in North Carolina. I had this one session with a therapist that really changed me. This was actually a different one. This was Jennifer. She was like, I want you to think of a wall with pink stripes on it. And I was like, okay. And I sat there imagining a wall with pink stripes on it, and she was like, Okay, stop thinking about it now. And I was like, Oh, okay. And like it was just very sudden and urgent, and I was like, uh, like trying not to think about it. And then she was like, Okay, we're gonna do this again. Think about that wall with pink stripes on it again. So I'm like, okay, I'm thinking about it. And she goes, and now think about a wall with green polka dots on it. And I was like, okay. And I just started thinking about that, not really thinking about what she was doing. But after that, she was she asked me, Did you notice how calm it was for you to change your thought onto the green wall versus when I told you just to stop thinking about it? And I was, and I just remember being like, Yeah, I I did notice that. And she taught me this was really, really, really hard work in my brain. But for a while, I was able to kind of learn to control my thoughts because she taught me this method, and she was saying, When you think anxious thoughts that come in your head, put a positive thought in instead and just try your best to focus on that rather than getting angry with yourself because I would get very frustrated and say, like, oh, why is this thing making me so anxious? And I'm just so anxious and blah, blah, blah. And rather than hating that part of me, just being like, Okay, anxiety. Actually, I would rather think about puppies now. And then easier said than done. But after a while of putting it into really hard practice where I feel like I I had to literally take a moment and sit there and start thinking about it. It was not easy, but I feel like then I was kind of better for a while.

SPEAKER_00 31:43

So instead of re or trying to get rid of the thought, you just kind of replace it with a different one? Exactly. Yes, exactly. Um a more helpful one.

SPEAKER_01 31:53

Yeah, a more helpful one. And so, yeah, then throughout college, I it was very often on. I mean, you remember my anxiety being bad in college sometimes. Uh I mean Do you have any memories or specific times you can think of?

SPEAKER_00 32:09

Um, I think just like the boy stuff. Like, I definitely remember that. But I don't know if in my head I understood at the time either, like how that it was anxiety or OCD or these things. I just thought it was like my friend Noelle, who's so like sensitive and cares a lot about, you know, these people and these things. Which is also true. Which is also true. So that's just like part of you as well. But like, yeah, I didn't clock it as that. And I don't think I knew I don't remember you struggling like consciously. Like, I don't remember you ever coming to me and being like, I'm so anxious. Really? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 32:50

I feel like I I think I had certain friends, like Mason and I would talk about how we were anxious a lot because Mason also was really struggling at the time. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 32:59

So were so many people in our class had anxiety, like bad anxiety.

SPEAKER_01 33:03

Yeah. Oh my gosh, it was so bad for some of us. Pretty much fast forward to moving to New York City, which you all know was a really hard time for me. That's kind of when my anxiety started manifesting a little differently. I started having full-on panic attacks. I don't know if I had ever had a panic attack. There's a difference, side note, between anxiety attacks and panic attacks. I believe the difference is an anxiety attack is more just when you're anxiously kind of freaking out. Like I feel like when I was throwing up a lot from anxiety or freaking out about boys, those were anxiety attacks, which are also very scary. But a panic attack feels more severe in a way. I think a panic attack is more in your body, right?

SPEAKER_00 33:52

A panic attack is more in your body. Like it can be like it can be a panic attack can happen physically when your mind is kind of fine. Like your body can just have a reaction. I'm pretty sure. Yeah. But you're maybe you're not even feeling anxious, but your body just like freaks out and then kind of it's like the opposite way.

SPEAKER_01 34:14

I so when I was experiencing panic attacks, I would get very, very, I would feel very faint all of a sudden, and my heart would be racing. And they're very scary too, because you don't know if it's anxiety or if you're going to have a heart attack.

SPEAKER_00 34:33

And then they were more anxious because you're like, Am I having a health emergency?

SPEAKER_01 34:36

And I have really bad health anxiety too. Oh my gosh. I yeah, I get very nervous about my health, and it really freaks me out. So that was just so scary because I was constantly wondering like, is there something wrong with me? Am I gonna die? And I was just having panic attacks, but they feel very real and they're very scary. And I was having those a lot when I first moved to the city. I just got to a very, very scary low point. And I had a couple of friends tell me that I need to get on medication, and that's when I knew. And one of these friends had been telling me that for years, but one of my anxieties was taking medication, which turned into this other whole cycle because that kind of manifests in my health anxiety. I don't like medicines being messed up. I don't want to take a new medicine that's gonna make me feel weird or give me side effects. I was always scared of taking the wrong kind of medicine and it making me more anxious. So I was very opposed to medication for a long time because I was like, what if it makes me worse? Which, if you're listening to this and you have the same thing, please start medicine because it really changed my or I mean, do what you want to do. But I got lucky because the first one that I tried worked for me. But I know a lot of people go through journeys of trying one medication, uh, it doesn't really work out, so they have to wean off of it and then start a new one.

SPEAKER_00 36:06

So when did you first start medication? It wasn't until you moved to New York, it was not until I moved to New York.

SPEAKER_01 36:12

So my mental health went got to an all-time low. But in the first year, did I get better from college uh during COVID? Yes, which is the weird thing. So uh when I was living at home in Greensboro, I was like, yay, I'm cured. I'm never having anxiety again in my life. I think that's just because ironically, COVID made people so anxious. Me and my sister had opposite reactions to COVID because Nan was so anxious about COVID, was just she has health anxiety too, but ours is different somehow. I don't know. I wasn't I was anxious about COVID a little bit, but I was I think I just needed a break from life. And I I was just like, okay, well, there's nothing to even worry about because I'm trapped at home and I can't even see people, and I was just focusing on my health and fitness, which if you listen to the skinny talk episode went a little too far. So maybe my mental health wasn't great in that way because I was thinking about what my body looked like all the time, but it I wasn't feeling anxious, it was different. I I felt happy for the most part. I was just thinking about my body a lot. But, anyways, I felt good during this time. I was just focused on spending time with my family, health and fitness, saving money at Lululemon. Life felt very easy, and I was not experiencing mental health stuff during that time. I remember literally thinking, yay, I'm cured. I don't have anxiety anymore. And then moving to New York City was not. So did you feel?

SPEAKER_00 37:58

Can you think back to a time when you felt like a shift, or was it more gradual, or was it the anticipation of moving?

SPEAKER_01 38:06

I think it was the anticipation of moving, but you know what kind of set me off was the panic attack at Life is Beautiful, the music festival.

SPEAKER_00 38:16

Oh that I don't think I knew like realized that.

SPEAKER_01 38:20

That kind of fucked me up for a long time because if you remember, if you listen to the last episode, I mentioned taking too much of an edible at a music festival and it gave me a panic attack. The next morning, do you remember the my the visual migraine I had when I woke up? I saw there was something in my vision. And you have I have anxiety about your vision. My vision because I only can see in one eye, and I've had people my whole life being like, you can only see in one eye, you don't want anything to happen to it. And I'm like, I know, obviously I don't.

SPEAKER_00 38:56

Wait, oh my god, I'm just remembering this because I remember because this was before I moved. So we took a trip, but you already lived in New York, right? For life is beautiful. No, I was about to move. You were about to move. So we were we went to Vegas.

SPEAKER_01 39:12

LOL.

SPEAKER_00 39:13

You had that panic attack, and now I'm remembering this. I don't really remember the that you were actually having vision problems, but then I feel like I remember you texting me being like, I'm freaked the fuck out about that there's something wrong with my eye.

SPEAKER_01 39:28

I was so scared. So I had a visual migraine the morning after this edible experience at the music festival, and I pretty much woke up, and you know when you can see things in your vision, like if you look at a light for too long, I saw this blob kind of when I opened my eyes, and it didn't go away for about 20 minutes. And I just remember calling my dad. I remember calling, I called my eye doctor, I was freaking out. I'm like remembering this thing the fuck out. That's like my my biggest fear is something happening to my good eye. That just caused this entire new thing for me. This new kind of anxiety for a while. And it was just a migraine. So apparently that can happen when you have migraines, which is weird. My head didn't even hurt. It was so scary, and then it went away. But after that, I just remember, and now looking back, I finally know that this was OCD. For months and months and months, I was so terrified of my vision that one, I would have to knock on wood every single night before bed. Did not know that. Two, or else I was gonna go blind. I had to do that every single night. I remember there was not a night where I didn't knock on wood because I was like, well, just in case I have to do this, or else I'm gonna go blind. And then uh just constantly body checking, which is a big thing with OCD too, where you're so OCD is obsessive compulsion disorder. So it's a thought that you become obsessed with. I became obsessed with the idea that something was wrong with my eyeball. My eye. I don't know why I said eyeball. I was scared that something was wrong with my good eye. And the compulsion is your brain trying to find answers pretty much constantly with OCD because you never do actually find the answers of the things you're anxious about. I went to the eye doctor multiple times. They were all like, your eye looks good. That was a compulsion because why would I go to the eye doctor multiple times when I could just go this one time? I hadn't had another visual migraine. They told me my eye was good, but I still didn't believe it. So I had to go searching for other answers. I started body checking all the time, which is when for me, with my eye, it was me staring at things. I remember going into the subway. Every time I went into the subway, just because of the fluorescent lights, I would look at the posters everywhere and I would make sure that I could read everything the posters said and that I could see everything. And if one day like I was a little tired and maybe things were a little harder to read, I'd freak out again. Yeah, just constant like using my eyes to look and make sure I can still see. And it was constant and it was so stressful. And then on top of that, it wasn't even just that. It was my anxiety manifests in a way too, where if I'm anxious about one thing, I'm suddenly anxious about everything. So again, I'm scared of going blind for like months. Also, I'm just having this generalized anxiety disorder. I'm terrified of having another panic attack, which is causing me to have panic attacks every single day because I'm like, oh, what if I have a panic attack? And then I have a panic attack and I'm just like, oh my God, I'm going blind. My heart isn't working. I was just not okay. I was also somehow dating someone at the time that was like stringing me along, some random frat boy who I knew. I remember even thinking to myself, like, this is just for fun. This is not my I'm not marrying this guy, like, whatever. But for some reason, him not texting me back still sent me into some kind of spiral. I was just not okay.

SPEAKER_00 43:23

You were adjusting to literally moving to like one of the biggest cities in the world. So I was adjusting to move. This was all happening while I'm living in New York City. You didn't have your own space, so you were subletting. It was just like maybe a recipe for disaster. It was. And I remember, I don't know how you feel, but this felt like a turning point from the outside perspective. I came to visit at some point and we went to dinner. Do you remember this? Yeah. And it was w it wasn't just us, it was like a few other friends too. And you just like broke down at the dinner. I Olio IPU. Ole OP.

SPEAKER_01 44:00

If you live in New York, you know the restaurant. It's in the West Village, I think. We went it is. We went there and I used to also get I don't know if you knew this because a lot of people I don't know. I didn't talk about it because a lot of the time, like I would have my anxiety on the inside too, and it was constant. Even during times when it was like fine, it was still in the background. I would get anxious out to eat a lot. I don't know why. Being in restaurants, you now it doesn't affect me anymore. Thank God. Because it's like one of your favorite things I know. I love going out to eat, but whenever my anxiety was through a bad period, I just like I don't know, being out to dinner with friends. I mean, I don't know. It just made me anxious. Something about it. And I I do remember this. I remember breaking down at dinner and being like, my anxiety's so bad. I haven't felt like myself. And I'm just like crying at the dinner table and like, oh my God.

SPEAKER_00 44:56

And then I remember it opening up a conversation. Some of our other friends who have also struggled with mental health were like, I think that you need to go on medication, Noelle. Which and then I remember kind of shortly after you did.

SPEAKER_01 45:09

This friend had also been telling me for like years to go on it. But this is when I finally was like, I actually, yeah, I need to be on medication because I should have gone on medication like in high school, maybe, but I didn't, and that's fine. But I literally have a chemical imbalance. Like none of this was. I mean, sometimes it would be circumstantial, but for the most part, it was just me freaking out about freaking out and having to do these weird, like knock on wood to make sure that I don't go blind. Just like, oh my, it was constant. It was the only thing I could think about were was my anxiety. It was just awful. And so I finally saw a psychiatrist and he put me on Prozac, 20 milligrams. And I've been on it for almost three years now, and it changed my life. I remember my anxiety went to an all, all, all, all-time low. I think the day after I started taking it, because I had been building it up for years. Um, because I had always kind of thought about it like, well, I could go on medicine if I needed to, because my anxiety is pretty bad, but I'm just gonna write it out and maybe I won't have to, because I was so terrified of something of taking medicine and then it going something going wrong. I was also scared, this is gonna sound actually crazy. And I told my psychiatrist this. I was like, I'm scared that you're trying to to like poison me. Like I told him this too. So it wasn't like I really believed it, but there was a part of me that kind of was like, I was like, what if you're giving me this medicine to like do something bad to me? I uh whatever. And he was like, Well, I'm not, but I don't even remember what he said. Something a psychiatrist would say. And he was like, This is just really telling me that you probably really need it. If I was just so scared of it, and of course, medicine takes a couple weeks to kick in, and the couple weeks it took for it to kick in, I was at an all-time fucking low. I almost went to the mental hospital one day. So I remember one day my friend pretty much told me that she thought I needed to go to the mental hospital, which I and I really considered checking myself in, but instead I somehow went to work. I don't know how I how people are I don't know why some people are high functioning versus low functioning. I'm like, was I even high functioning? I guess so because I was doing things.

SPEAKER_00 47:45

What was happening to the to get you to that point that I don't know your friend was saying that?

SPEAKER_01 47:50

I don't even know. I was just saying crazy things to her, I think. I wish I could remember exactly. I was just freaking out, having panic attacks, talking about like being so terrified something scary would happen to me, but in such a manic way. Was it because of the of the medicine? Yes. It's because I started the medicine and I it hadn't kicked in yet. And because like I said, it takes a couple of weeks. It's not one of those medicines you take and suddenly it's not like a Xanax where you take it and it relieves your anxiety, which low-key maybe I should have had it in the meantime, but it's fine. But I was just waiting a couple weeks for the Prozac to kick in. I honestly shout out to myself for doing this and going through it. I forced myself to do it even when I felt so fucking terrified and scared and scary, and I was scaring my friends and oh my god, it was just awful, awful, awful. And I did it. I made myself wait it out. I was like, I'm going to take this medicine for a month and see how I feel. And if something bad happens, then I will just stop taking it and I have my psychiatrist and whatever. But I was genuinely so concerned that I was something really bad was gonna happen. I'd start, I was scared the medicine would make me hallucinate scary things. I was scared that it was gonna poison me. I was scared, yeah, yeah, lots of things. I'm like, I sound crazy right now.

SPEAKER_00 49:20

No, I mean it's what anxiety can do to you.

SPEAKER_01 49:24

It yeah. And finally, after a couple weeks, I remember the first night I took it. I just I couldn't sleep. I was like shaking and sweating and all from anxiety for sure, because now I've been taking it, unless it was like a taking it for the first time and it has to get into your system first. I don't know. Sometimes people can have bad side effects for the first couple of weeks.

SPEAKER_00 49:47

So I'm sure you were nervous about that too.

SPEAKER_01 49:49

I was nervous about that. I I think maybe like taking it for the first time, and it has to like affect your brain. So I think like it takes your brain a second to adjust to it and calm down. So I was scared because I remember my doctor being like, it can make you a little bit more anxious for a second before it starts to calm things down. Maybe that's what was happening. So probably. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_00 50:10

Because you said you were at an all-time low or high, however you want to put it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 50:14

Because your anxiety all-time high.

SPEAKER_00 50:16

Right after you started taking it. So like I maybe the medicine was actually causing you to be more anxious too for a minute. For a minute.

SPEAKER_01 50:24

Probably. My mind was going to very scary dark places that I didn't even know existed, and it was really terrifying. And then suddenly, I think three weeks after starting it, I just remember this one the day that it finally kind of kicked in, maybe. I just remember feeling kind of a sense of calm when I was walking on the street and I was like, I don't feel so anxious. Okay. And I remember talking to a lot of my coworkers at Lululemon because I had two coworkers who also really struggled with mental health. And one of them was like, Noelle, like, medicine changed my entire life. And I was like, How did you know when it kicked in? And what should I expect? And she was like, the funny thing is, I didn't even notice when it kicked in. I just remember after a couple months realizing, like, wait, I haven't been anxious in a few days. And I kind of started having that realization. I was just kind of living my life. I wasn't really super noticing it. Sometimes I would, like that day when I was like, I'm feeling a little more calm today. But I started just realizing I'd go out to eat with friends. And then when I'd get back from going out to eat, I'd think, I wasn't having an anxious thought that entire dinner. I just actually enjoyed the dinner. Whoa. And just other things like going to work. I'd come back at the end of the day and think, I didn't have an anxious thought at work today. Or sometimes I would have an anxious thought, but I'd be able to be like, I'm not really interested in that thought right now and move on. Whereas before it felt nearly impossible to do that.

SPEAKER_00 51:51

It I mean, it's interesting because I always think about the concept of starting a medication like that and how your brain must want, especially if you are anxious, like want to be think thinking 24-7 about is this medication working? Is this medication working? But hearing you talk about the fact that you would have these realizations after the fact. Right. Like, oh wait, I just went to dinner and oh, I didn't have an anxious thought, makes me think that the medicine even helps you to not obsess over the fact of whether it's working or not. I mean, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 52:29

Because it is working, because that was a big part of my anxiety was being scared of medicine, and suddenly I was just kind of like not thinking about it anymore. But now I will say I get really anxious about prescriptions and medicine getting messed up. Of course, my birth control thing happening literally today. But I get so anxious when I'm like starting to run low on medicine before I have it, which it hasn't been an issue. I've always been able to get my prescription, but if I have like a week left, I'm like, uh, like I need to go ahead and get more so I know that I'm good for the next couple months, whatever. Which is valid. Yeah, it's so valid.

SPEAKER_00 53:02

I guess that is valid healthcare system and how it can be kind of complicated sometimes. Yeah. If a medication is helping you, yeah, the thought of not having it is scary.

SPEAKER_01 53:13

But I will say, um, my psychiatrist, Dr. Whitehouse, was just oh my, I miss him. He was the best ever. He inspired Smile of the Week for those pod listeners, how we do smile of the week, smile, smile of the week. Yep. Because another thing he had me do, I really appreciated that he he worked with me. He was not just a psychiatrist that was like, okay, we're gonna give you this. And then next patient, he worked with me. He gave me homework. He was like, okay, so these are the things we're gonna do. We're gonna prescribe you this medicine, but along with taking your medicine, you're gonna download this app. You're doing breathing exercises twice a day. And wait, I'm like getting emotional for some reason. I loved him so much. He was very sweet. I actually met him a couple times over Zoom or whatever. He was this old British man and he cares about me so much. I haven't seen him because of course when my insurance changed, my insurance now doesn't cover him. Unfortunately, I remember freaking out the day I found that out because suddenly my appointment with him was just canceled and then I was taken off the website. But luckily, I somehow had his personal email and I emailed him freaking out. I was like, I can't never talk to you again. And he was like, We're gonna schedule a zoom, and he zoomed with me. So it wasn't even through the platform for just like one final session. But he was just the most caring person ever. He made me do breathing exercises every day. He also made me do to write down things that made me smile throughout the day. He was explained my brain so well to me, too. He was, he said, Noelle, our the human brain is designed to detect danger. That is what the brain is mainly for. And when you have a chemical imbalance, when you have anxiety, these disorders, the chemical imbalance makes your brain find danger way more than the average person. So I was finding danger in everything. I was finding danger in just nothing, danger in danger. I I would have anxiety about anxiety, and it just felt like I was constantly being chased by a lion, literally. And he said, So we're gonna retrain your brain with the medicine. I want you to start writing down physically, not just even taking note in my brain. He was like, I want you to take notes in your phone throughout the day of things that make you smile throughout the day. And I don't mean big things like ah, I got a promotion. He said, I want you to walk down the sidewalk. And if you look up at the sky and you see a pretty tree, write down, I saw a pretty tree today. I saw a cute dog. He and he was actually the one who told me, he said, you can even make bad things good sometimes. If you have a terrible customer at Lululemon, or if the woman you're nannying for does something insane, you can write that down and think, wow, that is so funny that people are this way and that is crazy, and write it down. And so I started doing that and it really, really started helping. So I would, I just have these long lists still on my phone of random things that would make me smile. And eventually, after a while, of course, the first day I did it, I was pretty much forcing myself to find things. But after doing it for a couple of months, it just became very easy. And I feel like I was seeing the good in everything. And so now when Pete and I are going through hard times, we'll start doing our 10 smiles of the day again, where we write down 10 things that make us smile throughout the day, and then at the end of the day, we share it. So we wanted to incorporate that into the podcast and do our smile of the week. Uh so thank you, Dr. Whitehouse, for thank you, Dr. Whitehouse. I love him for starting smile of the week. But yeah, and then I'll get into this last section quickly because we talked about relationship OCD last time. But I recently was diagnosed with OCD. Um, when I was diagnosed before, it was just severe anxiety. Um, and I was recently diagnosed with moderate to severe OCD, which is funny because I don't feel I feel still a million times better than I used to. But I think um life circumstances changing, getting into a relationship for the first time is bringing up some past trauma and stuff. So it's causing me to have a bit of OCD again, which Rodney knows all about, and I'm working through it. But, you know, little things I I I ruminate a lot. Like he'll he'll say one little thing that I don't like, and I'm like, he said this thing that I don't like. Does this mean and then I go, I start Googling like, it is it normal to be annoyed by my boyfriend sometimes? Is it does that mean that he's not? And obviously it is. I don't think there's anybody in a relationship who has never felt annoyed with their person. But of course, my brain goes to like, I'm supposed to feel so happy and in love and feel like I'm on drugs this whole time. And that's not of course, I still have moments of that, and he'll do sweet things and I'm like, oh my gosh. But then sometimes I, you know, people are annoying too. Like he'll, oh my gosh, literally the other day when he was like, I was like, Can you help me make my bed? And he was like, Why do you need to make your bed? And I was like, because I we sit in the in my bed for the podcast, and he was like, Yeah, but you sit under blankets. I was like, that sent me into a little bit of a spiral too, because it annoyed me. But I'm like, that's not a reason to freak out, like just little things like that. Anyways, so yeah, then I was diagnosed with OCD. It all makes sense. Point is that I guess that's my my long story for you guys. I'm sure I'm missing some stuff, but mental health has been a serious struggle and journey for me. Sometimes it's been more on the inside where I hide it and am just constantly freaking out and not living a good life, but people on the outside don't know. And sometimes it's been more outward. But yeah, it's been a journey. I've seen lots of therapists. I started medication, but I feel as if I know myself a lot better now and am able to tell when I'm having an anxious thought versus a non-anxious thought and know how to take care of myself a lot better. And yeah, that's what I have to say about that.

SPEAKER_00 59:35

I'm proud of you. Thanks.

SPEAKER_01 59:37

You have come a long way. I really have. I'm proud of myself. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 59:42

But it's crazy. I love the idea of like medication going in hand in hand with kind of help, like changing your perspective of how you view every day and like looking for the good. Yeah, I love that Dr. White House wasn't just like, here, medication. Because you know, some people, because medication is necessary for some people, but then also I feel like it's so helpful to like try to see the good in the day-to-day. Like, I feel like that can only support your journey. Well, and maybe has like more long-lasting effects too.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:16

For sure, you know. He was very adamant about the fact that medicine is just another tool for anxiety, so it's not a cure, right? It doesn't cure, and I still get anxious, but it way not as severe. And now it's a little more circumstantial, too, and just figuring things out with this new life I'm living. I'm in my late 20s now, life is a little different, but yeah, it's definitely a tool. You also have to take care of yourself. Medication will maybe help, but you're not gonna feel happy and awesome if you're taking medication but still treating your body like shit. It's it just allowed me to be able to take care of myself again. Right. It kind of sets you back at a baseline. Exactly. Exactly. It sets you back at a baseline. That's a perfect way to put it. So that you need those other tools to actually bring you joy and well, because I can tell I my anxiety flares up when I'm not taking care of myself. See, the thing is, my anxiety used to be bad all the time, constantly. Now I can only really feel it. One, it does not get as severe as it used to, but also it flares up during a time when I'm not sleeping enough, when I'm on my period, unfortunately. During if I've been drinking and partying a lot, then those things will cause it to flare up, which obviously that happens in life sometimes. Uh, but that's why it's important to take care of yourself for the most part, and taking care of your body affects your mental health as well.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:51

For sure. They go hand in hand. They do.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:55

I don't like, don't even really know what else to say. I guess I just wanted to share this episode because I remember back when my anxiety was really bad, one thing my therapist had me do was Google celebrities who deal with anxiety, and which I'm not a celebrity yet, but listen to other people. I remember I listened to a podcast with Kristen Bell talking about how severe her anxiety was, and it really helped me because, you know, that's someone whose career I look up to. And I was like, okay, if someone who I aspire to be like deals with this thing too, then I can get through it and I can still live my life. Because I think I was scared for a while that I wouldn't be able to be an actor, do all of these things because I struggle with mental health, which is so ironic because, like, doesn't every actor struggle with mental health? I mean, come on.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:48

Like we were saying in the beginning, like, I think all parts are more prone to dealing with mental health struggles.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:55

For sure. I will say the one setback about this medication is I can't cry as easily. I used to be such a crier and I could cry on command. Not that that makes you a good, a better actor or something, but it was pretty slay when I had to do a sad scene. I cried, I was just so in touch and could cry so easily. And I still can, but I also haven't had to. Like, I don't really get auditions where I have to cry anymore. But I used to be able to do it really, really easily, and now I can't as much. I could if I really got into it, but it's fine because I'm not having panic attacks every day. So I'll win sun, you lose sun. Exactly. Win son. Wind sun, baby. But yeah, if you have felt these things before, you are not alone, you're not crazy. I know I felt insane for a while. You're not. You just have a chemical imbalance, and that's totally fine. It's no different than somebody who has I don't know, something wrong with their physical body and has to take medicine for it. It doesn't make you crazy. It's just a little, a little difference, and you can work on it and get help. Easier said than done. Sometimes we, you know, maybe are surrounded by people who aren't as supportive, don't understand mental health. But if you're listening to this podcast and you're someone who struggles, know that mental health situations are real. Anxiety, depression, OCD, all of those, all of these things, they're real. And you're not alone. And yeah. And is that the take home? I guess that's the take-home. Because I don't really know what else the take home would be after saying that. Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:39

Yes. Um if you're struggling, or if someone else you know is um, yeah, just know that you're not alone and there are resources and ways. I think it's hard because sometimes when you're struggling with mental health, it can be so hard to get the help you need. For sure. And that's what makes it so hard because you know, you can't get out of bed, or you're just not able to live normally. Um, and that can be hard.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:06

Also, another take home is that we didn't really talk about this much, but we do live in a weird day and age where we are all addicted to our phones, we all have social media, the world is fucking falling apart. I mean, I'm like, notice the good!

SPEAKER_00 1:05:25

There are so many good things. There are a lot of good things. I we I do think that our phones, uh, like it scares me kind of for the future. And like, I think about the younger generations and how they have access to this like social media and how much of more vulnerable their brains are. And I'm like, if me as a 28 year old, fully developed brain frontal lobe woman gets so overwhelmed by my phone, like, imagine what these like kids are feeling, and I just It's so hard. I've actually been thinking about this so much more recently because I've been feeling it more. And I started bricking my phone.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:09

Yay! Get brick.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:10

It's a little thing where you can set certain apps to be blocked and you block it, but you can't unblock it unless you physically tap it to this little square that we keep on our fridge. So, you know, if you're out and about, you literally can't unlock your phone. Or not your phone, but like the certain apps you have blocked. And I'm really trying to, I started doing this last week because the week before that, I was like, I feel like I get into phases where I just scroll too much and it's addicting. So of course, like the more you do it, the more you want to do it. It's like this weird dopamine hit that is ultimately unfulfilling and kind of just leaves you feeling disconnected and empty. And I was feeling that so bad. And I was like, I need to restructure how, like, I need to have more boundaries for myself around social media. Yeah. So I've been like breaking my phone at night, really trying not to scroll in bed. And then I keep it bricked all through the next day until I get like my morning routine in, the things I need to do out of the way. Like once I leave my house for like a couple hours, I'll maybe unbreak it and then kind of brick it again when I get home. Just to like, I'm really trying to limit my social media use. Well, yeah. And that's very good. It's been overwhelming and I feel like disconnected from people around me and like the world.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:42

Have you seen that meme? That's like, why am I so anxious? I ask myself as I shot as I shine this light with bad news into my face, aka our phones. It's so true. There's also, I feel like our phones are telling us a lot of the bad news. I we get notifications about this war is happening and blah, blah, blah. Which I do also think it's very good to be informed. But the point is, we're in a day and age where I think we're all more susceptible to mental health issues. Yeah. Because there's just we're being informed of all this bad stuff all the time, and we're addicted to our phones, and we're seeing everyone's lives on social media, and we're not made to comparison, seeing all these people, seeing it's too much.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:30

It is too much. And it's fun every once in a while. Have your little 20-minute scroll. I'm just you don't need more than that. I know. And it kind of feels like you do, like you're gonna miss out on something, but you're not. Yeah. It's just yeah, that's what I'm working on right now. So yeah. Anyway, guys, thanks for listening. Um, you can follow us at Take It Home Pod on Instagram and TikTok. You can also follow this podcast um wherever you listen. That would be helpful. Subscribe. We come out with a new episode every Thursday. And share this with someone you think would like it. Yay! We love ya. We love ya. Goodbye.