Perfectionism: "It's Never Finished"

This week we're talking about perfectionism. The pressure to get everything just right and the toll that can take on our lives. One of us has been feeling especially stuck in this cycle lately, so we dive into how perfectionism shows up in our creative work, our appearance, our careers, and even our everyday decisions.

We explore the ways perfectionism can push us toward growth and excellence, but also how it can leave us feeling anxious, drained, and never quite satisfied. Because the truth is, "perfect" is often subjective, and when there's always something that could be improved, you get trapped chasing something that's constantly running away from you.

Join us as we unpack the balance between striving to do our best and deciding when something is simply good enough. 

Sip of the week: Mango Pineapple Lemonade

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey, I'm Noelle. And I'm Marissa, but Noelle calls me Peach. And welcome back to Take It Home. The podcast brought to you by Noelle Cornelius and Marissa Najas. Yes. Um, today I called you Rissa when I came inside. You did. That's what she said. And that is not that is not what you call me. No. I threw you off guard. Some people call me that. Jalen does. Jalen. Who else? My like uncle.

unknown 0:36

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 0:37

I had one uncle that growing up he would always call me Rissa. That's kind of it though. My whole family would call me Marissa.

unknown 0:45

Oh.

SPEAKER_00 0:46

I will just say I've adopted nicknames my entire life. Like Marissa. Good nickname name. I don't think people like to say it fully. That's why Marissa. Hi Marissa. So I've been Rissa. I've been Marissa. My middle school friends used to call me Misa. Maybe it's something about three syllables. I've been Mars. I've been Maurice. I've been Mars. I've been Mimi. I've been. What? What if I started calling you Mimi? Oh, how what else have I been? Wait, oh my god. There was a nickname I had at um one of my summer jobs. What did they call me? Marna. What? Like so many different random names. Um, Marissa Nahas, Marna. Uh um, and then of course Pete. Yes. One of these things is not like the others. Yeah. That is crazy. Yeah. All right, Mimi. Well, let's begin the podcast. Just kidding. I can't call you that. That's so weird. Mimi. Um. Um. Our sip of be of the wiki. Sippy of the wiki. Well, I've been in such a weird, weird mood. I'm in a weird mood too. I'm like, I feel Dululu. Okay. Our sip of the week is It is a mango pineapple lemonade. Yes, it is. So tell your story about your groceries. So I got some groceries delivery. Hello. I ordered groceries to be delivered, and they sent me like only probably actually one-fourth of what I ordered. And the other bag just had two giant pineapples and a box of milk duds. Which I did not order. I don't like milk duds. That's the funniest thing that could have been in there. I was like, hello. Two pineapples and milk duds. Missing the rest of my food. I was like, like your salmon. Yes, I know. Like Pete asked the other day because I bought polenta, because I randomly was like, I'm gonna make polenta with salmon and green beans. They gave me the polenta, no salmon, no green beans. So you could have just made polenta for dinner. Yeah. No, I need my protein and I need my green. No, I know you are. That would be great. I would never suggest that. But, anyways, so we have these two pineapples, and Pete's like, we should make a sippy of the wiki with pineapple. And I was like, true. And so that is how this idea came about. And you already had this drink saved. Yes, I had a mango pineapple lemonade saved from social media that I just I saw, and I was like, we'll save this for like summertime. So it's perfect. So we chopped up the pineapples, we chopped up mango, we put them in a large bowl, then we put some water. You're supposed to use sweet and condensed milk for this recipe. I did not buy any from the grocery store. So we riffed, and I don't suggest riffing, unfortunately. The sip, you guys, I can't lie to you. It's fine. It's good. It's good. It's good. Great, amazing. It's good. It's good. Um I think you and I, we're just like little chefs sometimes standards. We do. So when we have a really good sip, we're like Yes! But this one is just kind of like like it's good. A lot of them recently have been like like good. But not nothing like I wouldn't go out of my way to make this again. Um but it's good and it's like tasty, and I'm gonna drink it while we do the soda and probably finish it. But oh wait. Reversing, reversing. We are supposed to use sweet and condensed milk. We didn't have it, so we used maple syrup and coconut milk instead. And whoa, we sounded the same. That was weird. Oh yeah, and we squeezed lemons. Oh yeah, and it has lemons in it. And a little bit of water. So we blended it up with the immersion blender. I just think that it was supposed to be sweet and condensed milk instead of maple syrup and coconut milk. Yeah. But also, like, I don't know, because those ingredients are also good normally. Yeah, there's something about I think like the texture, it it's giving it like smoothie and it's giving frothy, but it's not like frozen, so it's throwing me off a little bit. Exactly. I think we should have either strained it or straining it would have been good. Like I feel like it either needs to be like a this would be good as a frozen drink. Yes, I'm deciding. If it was like frozen pineapple and it was like a smoothie, it would be better. It's the texture, honestly. It's not the taste that I don't like, but I do think the taste could be elevated with sweetened condensed milk. So sorry you guys, our sippies of the wikis haven't been great recently. Hey, we're being honest with you. We are because we could be like, wow, this is amazing. But we're not we don't lie, and we know that we're not perfect. Oh, I was like, whoa. Good segue. We're not perfect. We're not. So yeah. Pocono maple water was great though. It was, yes. That's different. That wasn't something we made. Because we didn't make it. Anyway, cheers. Cheers. It's it's good. I'm gonna enjoy it. Now that it's sat with the ice and it's colder, it is better. It tastes a little watered down for some reason. So that's also a thing. That's our sippy. That's our sippy. Smile of the week, smile, smile of the week. Mine is, um, so I recently reached out to everybody that's been a part of Night of New Works, a Night of New Works, because I'm trying to get some feedback about the show. And I've just received some very, very kind messages. I don't know what I was expecting. Like, I knew people were gonna say nice things, but I wasn't really thinking about it. But actually reading them today, I was like, wait, I'm really I've really helped people. Like, there have been some composers and performers who have just have been so grateful to be a part of it and really see the potential, and it just warmed my heart and reminded me why I'm doing this, and yeah, it just felt very nice and it made me smile. I like that. I want to read them. Also, I I literally have a draft in my email. Wait, you do? Yes, because I started, but then I was like, uh, I'm being I'm being pulled in so many directions right now. Being pulled in no direction. I'm being pulled in so many different directions right now that I had to stop and be like, okay, let me actually do this when I have time to think about it. Well, thank you. Yeah. I appreciate that. Appreciate. Appreciate. Appreciate. I appreciate that. Um what's yours? Mine is literally that I just had a an amazing smoothie on Monday, a couple days ago. From where? This place called Baya Bar. Oh, I've been there. I don't know if it's a chain. It probably has. There's a few locations. Where did you go? Which one? There's one off of Canal. There's also one in the West Village. Okay. So it must be a chain. So I haven't tried this place. I have kind of been on a smoothie kick because the weather's getting um warmer. So I've been getting getting a lot of smoothies at the deli. Um because I'm also on a deli kick. But I thought you were about to say I'm also on a diet. No, no, I'm not. But I decided to try this place out. I figured it'd be kind of overpriced. And it is a little bit expensive, but really not that much more than the deli. Like the smoothies, maybe a dollar more than what they are at the deli. So oh my god, I got this. It's like the smoothie of my dreams. It was it was called the glowberry. Do I need it? Maybe. It had like coconut cream all up in there. And then. Wait, I actually want to find it and read you what's in it. The glowberry smoothie. Coconut milk, coconut whip, strawberry glaze, medule dates, vanilla whey protein, avocado, and strawberry. Shh looks like this. I it's pretty much, it kind of feels like it's a dupe of the Hailey Bieber Erwan smoothie. Um, but it was so so good. Describe what it looks like. So it's like white and pink. Like I think that they spread the cocoa whip on the cup so like you can see it on the outside, and then there's a strawberry glaze, so it's like dripping white and pink. Maybe I'll put a photo. Coconut glaze sounds lit. Or coconut whip. And strawberry glaze. But anyway, it was it was so delicious and it brightened my day. And I'm probably gonna go back to that place. And it's called the glow something. Glowberry. The glow brightened your day. The glow brightened my day. Literally and figuratively. Yep. Smile of the week, small smile of the week. What if I actually forgot? Well, that's happened to me multiple times. True. I forgot that you said you were today. We are talking about perfectionism. This was Pete's idea. This was my idea. Because apparently she's been feeling like a perfectionist. Why don't I give you the floor? Okay. I'm not gonna say anything the rest of the podcast. It's just you and Mimi now. Hey guys. Um, you um you guys with Mimi. Take it home with Mimi. Like what? So random. Um yeah. Well, okay. I consider myself a perfectionist. It's something that I've struggled with throughout my life. Um I'm feeling it a little heavily this week. Maybe just more in general right now. It flares up, I guess, um, in certain situations. Mainly when I'm starting something new or trying something new. Whenever I start something new, I get really like before I get into my flow, I always want to do like a very, very good job. So then it's interesting because I think in some ways it's held me back, and in some other ways it hasn't. I don't think I've let it hold me back too much. For instance, um, creating art. I think that's such a common place where you see people with perfectionistic tendencies, and so much so to the point that they never show people, they never finish things because if it's not perfect, then it can't be done, and it's never gonna be perfect because you could always do something better or more to something. When you are creating art, I believe it's like my philosophy is it's never finished. You just have to decide when you're done with it. Yeah, therefore, it's never gonna be perfect because there's no such thing. Um, it's interesting because perfect is it's not real. Like, yeah, it's not, especially when it comes to art. Yeah, especially when it comes to art. Like, what is a perfect song? Right. I mean, we all have our own idea, right, of what a perfect song is. And I'm like, what is the root of perfectionism? Is it is it to please others? Because you're never gonna be able to please everyone. So, in that sense, you kind of have to just let that go. So I think it's served me in certain ways because I'm usually pretty proud of like what I put out there. And when I take on a new project, because I am a perfectionist and I like to do things a certain way and the right way, what that means to me. Um, it helps me to just do well and to be proud of what I'm doing. But on the other hand, it is a little bit of a burden mentally. For sure. And I haven't let it stop me from like releasing music or starting this podcast or doing things. But I do tend to always look back on past things and be like, oh, because I've grown so much in a certain area, I'll like current. But that's so common with cringe yet. Your old self, and that should happen because if you don't do that, then it means you haven't grown. Exactly. But you should also be able to look back on your past with I guess compassion for like that version of yourself. So art is one place where it shows up for me. Can you relate to that at all? Yes. Would you consider yourself a perfectionist? I've mentioned this before on the podcast. I think that I'm very particular about the things I care about. And if I don't care about something, I literally don't give a fuck. Like if I work a job, um, luck, hey, if the my nanny family's listening to this, this does not count for this job. I love this job. But like other jobs, like if I'm not being treated well at work or something, I'm not gonna give a fuck. I'm gonna show up late, I'm gonna do a half-assed job. Like, I that sounds so bad. Oh my god. I'm like, do I want that on the podcast? But but if it's something I really care about, like I guess a night of new works is a good example. I'm an I'm kind of a perfectionist with that. Like I put a lot of work into it. I'm it it depends. I I guess I pick and choose where I'm I've felt that before. I've definitely felt the tendency to be a perfectionist before in certain in certain aspects of my my artistic endeavors, but I am not a perfectionist in everyday life. Like I think back to when I was in college and we went to school for music theater, but we also had to take your regular gen ed classes, and I did not give a hoot about any of those classes. Exactly. So I worked really, really hard in my theater classes, um, voice lessons, all that kind of stuff, dance classes, and then like my gen eds, I did not give a hoot. That's a yes, sorry, continue. So just that's how I was in college. And then for some reason, now in my life, like if I went back to school today, let's just say like redid Elon, my Elon experience, I would want to like give 100% to every single one of my classes. Like, I just want to do well at everything, and I don't know what that came from. I think I've just maybe it's like an expansion of I don't know, wanting to learn more about different things and I don't know, prove to myself that I can like do well at certain things. I mean, there are obviously things that I don't care about and I will never attempt, like yeah, being good at soccer or something. Yeah. But the things that I do do, I want to do well. You know, I was the exact same way in college. I feel like in all of my acting classes, all of my singing classes, I would have A plus, A plus, A plus. And then in science class, it would be like C, like C, C's across the board. Then there was the occasional academic class. Like I I've always really loved, I've always loved sociology and those kinds of classes, the ones that get you thinking about life, and so I would make A's in those, but science, math, hell no. I was getting straight C's, and it's could I have done better? Yeah, probably. But I was fully into the musical theater world. I was like, I'm putting all of my effort here, and I will be putting minimal effort in other places to give me more energy for my art. Yeah, and that's exactly how I felt. And some people are somehow able to do everything. And I don't like Andrew Purdy. Andrew, if you're listening to this, which you probably are, can you text us in a group chat and let us know how you're able to be a perfect student in every single class and also get the leads and musicals and do everything? I don't get it. But I'm not like you now. If I went back to school, actually, I'm kind of changing that. Well, because if I went back to school now, it would be for something I'm more passionate about. But if I redid my time at Elon, I would do it the exact same way. I would not try to make A's in my science or math classes. I wouldn't. For some reason, I want to like see if I can do well in a math class. I don't feel that, but I feel like I just something within the past like three to four years. It's like I want to learn more about everything. I guess that really is beside the point of perfectionism, but on the topic of school, I've just been like so interested in so many different things. Where when I was younger, I was really honed in on music theater. I would like to take a moment to say, I kind of I feel like I made myself sound really bad a few minutes ago by being like, if I'm working a job that I don't like, I'll show up late, I'll do a bad job. That's not necessarily true. I'm not some terrible employee. Like, like if I'm working a job where I'm not treated well or that I'm really not passionate about, I guess it's not that I necessarily do it on purpose. It's more just like, it takes everything in my might and power to leave my cozy apartment, get on the subway, and go and do something that I don't want to do. I really have trouble doing things that I don't want to do, which is maybe a problem because that's being an adult and that's life. You have to do things you don't want to do sometimes. I'm just like, oh, I don't want to get on the subway and go to this job. I want to get on the subway and go sing and act and podcast things I really care about. My performing and producing and all of that art stuff, podcast, and then like my relationships and other things. I don't know, social justice. I'm like, guys, wait, I feel like I'm gonna get canceled. Okay, anyways, can you continue, Pete? Um I don't know. I guess like I guess it's interesting though, the comparison from college to ri right now, because right now we're choosing the things that we're doing. Yeah. So we should be, at least from my experience, like I the things I'm doing, I'm choosing to do and I want because I want to do them. Yes. I have my jobs because I want to do them and I like them, you know, even though it's not my career end game. But in college, we're kind of forced to take all these classes just because we have to. So maybe it's a psychological thing to like if I voluntarily wanted to like take a I don't know, start learning French, um, that would be something maybe I'd be more motivated to do because I had the autonomy to choose that I wanted to do that. Feel that. And then in college, they were just like, or in high school even, like we just had to take these classes. So maybe that was part of it too. I think it is. It were you the same way with reading books? I had such trouble reading books that we were required to read in class. Just because I'm like, I don't want to read this book. I would rather read something. I don't know. Yeah, I was never a huge reader ever, um, until my adult life. Then I got more into reading because I found what I wanted to read. Exactly. I was kind of indifferent about it. I didn't have like trouble trouble, but I didn't enjoy it necessarily in school. But yeah, just I it's just interesting though. I'm going back one more time. Again, okay. Same thing with my jobs, but nannying, or if I'm working with people, like mainly nannying, I guess. I that is something I care about, and that does not fall under my I do not care about this because I love children that I nanny and care about the their my impact on them. So that it does not count. I'm more talking about like retail, no offense. Like, not like when I worked at Lululemon, just like I had such trouble going there and being like, I'm going to be the best employee. I'm like, I don't want to fold pants. Okay, anyways, I'm like, do I sound bad right now? No. Okay. I I'm lucky because I do like my retail job. So and if you like it, then that makes sense. Yeah, and it's different than working for like a huge corporation. Yes, it is. I work for a small business, so it's just a different vibe. But what inspired you? You texted me the other day and said we should do a sode on perfectionism. I I know you've said you've been feeling it this past week. Did something happen for you to just think like, oh, like I need to do this on the sode? Like, well, I was just trying to think of what we should talk about, and I was like, what have I been feeling recently? And I think what triggered it was, you know, the fact that I'm starting a new, taking on a new position and thinking about the fact that I just want to do to do a good job mainly for others. Like obviously for myself, but because I want to be like a good leader for like other people that I really care about. And then it got me thinking about the like how that applies to my personal life too, and how lately I've been feeling so like trying to find like this perfect balance between all of the different things in my life and being a little scared about now that my life is changing a bit, like having to find that again and like, oh, what if like what if uh I don't have time to do this, or like I can't make my life perfectly work for me, even though it takes time to like build that. And I have been in the same position with my jobs and my the flow of my life for three years, and I've found what works for me and like the perfect formula, and now I'm gonna have to kind of like reevaluate that. And it's not like it's starting from square one because I'm you know, it should be better in some sense, but it's just like I think personally I'm just like always trying to strive to just like perfectly fill all of my time recently, yeah. Um, and it's not something I actively thought about before, and I think just like it's been a little overwhelming. But then I was just thinking about it in general with like music, and I tend to also something I do is try to do everything myself because I want things done a certain way, and I know that I can at least trust myself to like do things to my standard. So, like that applies to a lot of areas in my life. Like my like my music. And I do like collaborate and I do trust other people, and there are so many more people who are more musically inclined than I am, like with instruments and everything, that I like really want to not that I'm not a good collaborator, but I want to like be comfortable collaborating and like um trusting others a little more. I think in my job, I just like tend to do a lot of tasks myself instead of delegating because I just I know what needs to be done, I know how it needs to be done. Just like in everything I do. I feel like with the and not that I don't this is nothing personal with the podcast, I I edit it. But I think that's also just like my personality. I'm a high achiever. Yeah. But I think like like I said, it has its perks because I am proud of the things I put out there, but it has its downfalls, and I think I can get a little burnt out and exhausted sometimes, and also really, really hard on myself, like just when I don't need to be. So that's my thoughts on perfectionism, but I've been getting a lot better, I feel like, at just like understanding that like perfect isn't a thing in any sense. When you're talking about yourself, when you're talking about your life, there's whenever you achieve something, there's always going to be another thing. Like, as soon as you get a job, it's like, well, then you have to like now you want the promotion. That's just an example. Like, there's always something else to be achieved, and we're always looking ahead to what could be better. So you're never going to achieve your idea of perfect. So sometimes you just you just gotta live. Um, and I feel like I'm getting a lot better at that as well. That's good. Something that made me think of this as well is I've obviously I talk about this all the time, but I've been going to yoga a lot more, and there's a lot of things like fitness goals I have, things I can't do, things that are really hard for me. And I'm I think about this actively when I'm like doing some really hard sequence, and like I can't, I don't have like the perfect form or I can't like straighten my leg all the way. It's like that's fine. Like the only way to be able to get to the point where you can do that is to do it to the best of your ability at that time. Like doing it and trying is better than not doing it because you're not perfect at it yet. Like you're never gonna be able to be quote unquote perfect at something or better at something if you don't just start. I also think that's part of the purpose of yoga. I feel like I used to kind of judge myself and wanted to be the better ones, one of the better ones in the room and impress the teacher years ago when I was in fitness. I don't know what has changed, but I do not feel that way at all anymore. I'm just like, if I go to yoga and for some reason I'm really exhausted that day and can't do any chaturangas, I won't. I'll push myself on when I feel like I can. It's not like I'm going to class and just laying there because I'm like, I don't feel like it. It's more just I'm much better about feeling where my body is actually at. And not I used to be able to do crow pose so well, and recently I have not been able to do it. My wrist pain has been pretty bad in yoga, actually, unfortunately, which isn't good because our wrists are used a lot, and it hurts so bad when I try to do crow and I just can't. And I've been thinking, you know, I'm not gonna get down on myself for this. That's life, and there's more to life than doing crow pose. Um, but I totally understand feeling that way in fitness classes sometimes, and especially when you see all the fit people around you lifting heavier or whatever, and those there's always some girlies who seem like they are not even breaking a sweat, and everything seems easy, which is amazing for them, and I'm happy for you guys, but that is not me, and sometimes I'm like, damn, am I supposed to be like that? But you're not, you're supposed to be yourself, yeah. Yeah, and I think I've been proud of myself for showing up to the classes that are more challenging for me and doing it to my ability and not getting down on myself for not doing it perfectly. For example, I go to a lift class weekly, which is like supposed to be lifting heavier weights, and it's like usually 15 or 20 pounds, and then you can opt for the eights. And I do the eights, like I literally I try to do the 15s. I might try tomorrow morning, like just to see, because like I want to work my my way up to that, but I remember doing the 15s like once, and I was like, this is way too much for my body. Yeah, then like most people in the class are using the 15s, and I'm like, how are people doing this? You also didn't do weight training before that, really. Maybe in college or a long time ago, doing like five pounds, right? But just after not not lifting weights for years, suddenly doing reps of 15 pounds. Yeah, no, you can't do that. And it's mainly like like deadlifts and more stuff for your legs and and whatnot. But then sometimes they add on the upper body, so that's when you can opt for the the eights. But I pretty much just stick with my my eights for the whole class. Um, but anyway, like I'm proud because I feel like I'm breaking my need to be perfect in that area of my life. Well, good. That's like a really great place to do it, I feel like, because one, it's like fitness and especially yoga. It's your own space. Like I love classes because I like to, I like the environment, I like to be guided, I like um being told what to do, honestly. Yeah, I like that part too. Um, but yeah, it it doesn't need to be you kind of just like tune everyone else out. You don't need to look at what if other people are doing. Um, it's my journey, and you're right about like that's the point of yoga, even though some of the classes aren't necessarily yoga. I feel like I like to take that mindset into all of the different types of classes because yoga is more of a mindset. It's you know, you could sit on your mat and breathe the whole time and you're still doing yoga. So yeah, I think that's helped me in a lot of ways. And it's a metaphor, I feel like, for a larger part of life is just show up and you'll get stronger, and you don't have to be perfect. Can you think of a specific time where your perfectionism has had the opposite effect and made something imperfect or really hurt you in a situation?

SPEAKER_01 32:39

Hmm.

SPEAKER_00 32:40

I mean, I feel like a an aspect of my life where it holds me back. Like, I don't, besides this podcast, I get really like I I don't like posting myself online a lot, like on TikTok. Yeah. Because, and that's an area where I I just haven't been able to break through, I guess. Like I get so critical of what I post, how I look, and it takes the fun out of it, um, to the point where I don't even really enjoy creating content because all I'm doing the whole time is looking at nitpicking like every single thing about how I look or what I'm saying. And so then I just like don't post it, and then I end up not even wanting to like record anything or do anything because I know how it makes me feel, because I know that I so it's I don't know if it's necessarily having like a bad result, but I it does kind of like keep me from wanting to put myself out there in maybe a way that like TikTok or the internet could help me um, you know, get put myself myself out there as an artist, but I find it really hard because I'm just very hard on myself when it comes to that. And it's interesting because I feel like everyone's like TikTok is a place where like you just can be yourself, and I don't I don't know about that, you guys. People on TikTok are mean as a book. They are we've brought back cyberbullying casually and no one acknowledges it, and it's weird. Yeah, that is very true. Like, I do think TikTok is like you can post whatever the fuck you want because there's such an array of content on there, but people are mean, and I think maybe part of it is I need to like not care about what people say. It's so interesting that I'm saying this because I literally put myself on the internet every single week with this podcast, and like Yeah, literally. It's very interesting because I'm not necessarily afraid to be seen like emotionally, like I will talk and be vulnerable, but it's more so physically. I'm like, I nitpick that. So I guess that that's where it's had a bad effect, or I don't know, like could be bad, or it's holding me back in a way. I think I stopped nitpicking how I look after my eye patch era low-key. I still do sometimes. Actually, the other day in yoga, I was randomly having a lot of body dysmorphia because I was standing right next to the mirror and I kept looking in the mirror and just staring at my body. I hate when yoga studios have mirrors. Right? I was like, are you kidding me? I haven't felt that insecure about my body in a while. I started like almost tearing up at one point. I was just feeling so low. Um happens, but I know it's just the life living in this society, but I was just like, uh, hating how I looked. Um, and that's not what you're supposed to be thinking about in yoga. But besides that and the occasional, yeah, of course I get insecure. I'm a woman in this society. Like, yes, I do, but when it comes to posting on TikTok and stuff, if I look bad, I don't really care. I do sometimes, but not to the point of not posting. I hate that society makes us feel like we have to look a certain way to be taken seriously or to be valued. And because I believe that, I really try to uphold that within myself and when I post too, not judging anyone who does not, because society makes us feel like shit. But like, you know what? If I feel like I don't like the way my body looks in this one post, I'm just gonna, it's kind of like exposure therapy in a way. For OCD, it's like, well, whatever. I'm gonna post it anyways because that's what I look like in this, and I'm not gonna not and especially when my eye doesn't look the way I want it to in some videos now, too. I'm like, well, that's how I look. So I'm gonna post it because me just not posting, being like, uh, I don't like that my eye is looking off to the side in this. Yeah, maybe sometimes I won't post a picture where I don't like it. But especially with TikToks and videos, I'm just like, that's what I look like when I talk. My eyes don't look in the same direction always. And me just ignoring that is only gonna make it worse for myself in the long run. Like thinking, uh, I don't like the way this looks, so I'm gonna ignore it and not post it, but then that doesn't really do anything to help me. See, where I struggle is not just the posting myself out there for other people to see. It's the way that it makes me feel when I get critical of myself. So if I'm putting myself on camera and then I'm looking at it, all of a sudden I'm nitpicking the way I look, and then I feel like shit about myself. And whether or not I go ahead and decide to post that, now I feel like shit. So, how do you navigate more of the inner rather than like the like getting over the hump of posting it for other people to see? Like, how do you not, if you're feeling insecure about the way you look? I think that's part of it. Just like, for example, oh my god, I feel like I always get so dark on the podcast randomly sometimes. When I started going to therapy about my eye back in 2019, maybe 2018, back in 2018. I remember a lot of the times I would look in the mirror and I would cover up my prosthetic eye with my hand. So I would see my face, like what, and I could imagine what I would look like without my prosthetic eye. So I would literally cover my eye and look in the mirror and like smile, and that's technically that was just for me. That wasn't for anyone else because it would be me looking in the mirror and thinking, wow, I would look so pretty if only my eye wasn't so weird. I feel like I look so pretty when I cover my eye, whatever. And I eventually told my therapist that I did that a lot when I looked in the mirror. And she was like, Okay, well, rule number one, you're gonna stop doing that because that's literally just sending signals to your brain that you aren't worthy of looking at your own eye. It's showing you, showing your brain that there's something wrong with you versus that just being the way you are and that being fine. I don't know if this is helpful for you because I don't know. I'm assuming you don't cover things up in the mirror or things like that, but just practicing acceptance, like rather than trying to change. I think that's one thing with having a prosthetic eye, too, that is different for me. That's not something that plastic surgery can really fix. I've gotten surgeries to make my eyes look more similar in some ways, but they never will look exactly alike. People will always be able to tell there's oh my god, literally, the doctor on my tour the other day, I was leaving side note, I was leading a food tour, and this man, I hadn't even really introduced myself yet. He was like, question, and I was like, Yes. And he got up close to my face and he was like, I'm an ophthalmologist, so I'm just trying to figure out like what's going on. Like, what happens to hello? What happens to how are you? My name is. Anyways, if you guys saw me post that TikTok, that was what inspired it. But I think having something that literally just like can't be fixed, and learning to accept that was kind of my journey. I think it's harder with body image and stuff that can be quote unquote fixed. I'm not saying you should fix it because a lot of the times that comes with really unhealthy habits, but I don't know, just practicing acceptance. If you're embarrassed about your side profile or something, just like I don't know. It's a I don't even know how to answer this because my situation is so different, and I think it's made me less insecure. I remember once a few years ago, a friend talking about how she had a zit and she was really insecure. And I was like, it's I was like, you're still beautiful, like it's a zit. No one's looking at you thinking like you're ugly. And she was like, Well, that's because you don't get insecure about acne. And I was like, Okay. But looking back on that, one, that comment was kind of annoying. But also, I think the reason why I don't get upset about acne is because I'm like, yeah, every other fucking person in the world has acne sometimes. No one's gonna think I'm ugly because of acne. I don't look at other people and think they're ugly because they have a couple of z. Okay, I shouldn't say acne. I should say like a zit or two because I also struggled with acne all over my face, and that was quite terrible. But having a prosthetic eye, I'm like, I don't give a fuck if I have one zit on my forehead on an average day. Maybe on my wedding day, that would piss me the fuck off. My God. That would be bad. But on an average day, if I'm going to work, if I have a giant zit on my head, lol, I have a zit, it's gonna go away. What's not going away is my prosthetic eye. So I think I've just learned to kind of accept the normal things. I feel like I'm coming off in a way that I don't want to come off on this episode. I do still experience some of these things, maybe to a much lesser point than you at the moment. I've become I am no longer a perfectionist with how I look, but I do feel that like if I take a self-tape and I watch it back and I look bad, I'm like, Yeah, and that's that's another thing I hate too, is like doing self-tapes because then I I will find something wrong with my face. And then I'm like spiraling the whole rest of the day of the day. What do you still okay? Well, here's a question. Do you still submit the self-tapes? Yes. Okay. I well, that's good. I have to. I would never not do an audition because of that. Ironically, I feel like I have gone through a lot of these feelings and really worked very hard on self-acceptance. How did you what is the self like what are you physically doing to self-accept? Forcing myself to look at my whole face in the mirror, forcing myself to okay, if I were to put myself in your shoes, if I filmed a self-tape and I'm looking at it and hating the way I look, this is so much easier said than done. I guess you have to it's a practice, it's not just like one time you're like I accept this. Yay, now I'm happy the rest of my life. It's like just being like, okay, well, this is what I look like. It's not a About telling yourself, I am beautiful. I mean, sometimes it is, but it's also just about being like, yeah, my face does that. And that's what it does. It's like I don't want to just accept. I want to like love everything about myself. I think that's the problem. I want to love everything. I want to not exactly. I don't want to hate certain angles. I want to love everything. I want to enjoy myself. Here's my response to that. Sorry, I'm cutting you off. You loving yourself, these are all things that you already know. But I'm just gonna repeat them. Loving yourself is a journey. It's not about actually thinking, hmm, I'm beautiful and amazing. Everybody has days. There are days when I love my body and think, damn, I'm hot. And then literally three hours later, I will go to yoga and look in the mirror and be like, oh my gosh, this is what I look like. Ah, I hate my body. Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh. And it's about how you talk to yourself after that. You might not always just suddenly think you're perfect. I guess my eye is another good example. I know I keep using it, but another good example. I have learned to love my eye in a lot of ways. I think it's interesting. I think that it's helped me, it's helped me in my art in certain ways. I think there are days when I think that it makes me beautiful and unique. And then there are times when I of the man on my tour who asked that the other day, if he would have asked me this five years ago, I would have probably spiral and freaked out and been like, oh my gosh, he could tell my eyes look different. People can tell. The other day, I was more just annoyed at it because I was like, why are you asking me about my eye and being like, I'm a doctor, so I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with you. I get it. You're an eye doctor. But also, I'm like, you might be a bad eye doctor if you can't tell that my eye's fucking fake. Hello? Like an eye doctor looking into my eye, being like, I can tell it's different, but I can't tell it's not a real eye. Well, it is not a real eye. You should know that. But also, I'm like, Slay, I guess my eye looks good. Um, but anyways, um, like that sent put me in my head a little because I'm like, great, is this the first just another reminder that this is the first thing people probably notice when they talk to me? Are all of my other tour guests thinking that every time I lead a food tour, is this what people are thinking about the first thing they see me? And you know, and then I felt that way that day, and then I haven't really thought about it much since. And I think it's just like with things that are different or things that you are insecure about, there are days when it's it's a journey, and you're gonna have some days where you feel set back in some ways too. I feel insecure about my eye every once in a while, and growing up I felt insecure about it 24-7. And I think, yeah, I just don't know if it's possible. Well, I don't want to say that and sound negative because I'm sure there are people who are like, I love every part of myself always. But again, love is a verb, it's not like like loving is taking care of yourself, telling yourself the nice things. It's the same thing you do to me. I'm sure you don't look at me every day and think, wow, Noelle looks amazing. Like, I mean, maybe you do, but like I don't know. Like, and I don't even know what I'm trying to say. Like, I I'm sure you don't think that I always look great, but you're gonna love me any I don't know. Whatever. Yeah, it's interesting because I do love myself as a person, and I I like I think I'm good at doing things to like care for myself genuinely. It's just like I want to love how I look 24-7, and I don't want to feel insecure. And I know that's not reality, like obviously. We know so many like beautiful women who struggle with these things, and you're like, What are you insecure? You know, like what do you mean? Like, you're getting this like done. You don't need to do that. Yes, like I think that's a part of the cycle, too, you know? For sure. So it's interesting, and it's so funny because when I thought about this episode, I did not even plan on talking about this, but it got there. If that's what you're being a perfectionist about, that's what you're feeling. I can't believe I didn't think about that because it's one of the major parts of my perfectionism. Wait, no, I'm getting in my head because I'm like, wait, am I ugly? Wait, what do you mean? I don't know. Now I'm starting to think about the way I look from talking about this. I know, see, and this is the kind of spiral that I get sent down when I look at myself on camera sometimes. Wait, do you guys always be pretty? You're beautiful. I don't always feel that way. Obviously, there's times when I'm like, I'm pretty. You know what would be good exposure therapy for you? What? Like I don't think you should actually do this, but like if you shaved off your eyebrows or something. No, I'm good. Definitely good. Why would I do that? I don't think you actually should. Just like then you'd like have to accept. Anyways. Um, I'm gonna shave off your eyebrows in your sleep. Okay, you can pay for me to get them microbladed back on. You know, it's actually like a trend though, right now. Like people are bleaching their eyebrows, shaving their eyebrows, and it's kind of like a high-fashioned thing. So that is that's actually true. Um if you're listening and you shaved your eyebrows, this is that's totally fine and amazing. I just think that I know Pete would not like that. Definitely not. Mimi would not like that. Well, I do have bangs, so a lot of my eyebrows are covered. Um but yeah, I think that to bring it back to something valuable for our listeners. I don't know, I feel like I'm having a therapy session. Um, I think it's important to remember that like perfection is not an objective term. There really is no such thing, especially when it comes to anything to do with your appearance or anything to do with your art that you're creating. It's all such a subjective thing. As for looks, I don't know, guys. We're all going through it. And it's important to accept the way you look right now. I think even if I mean, yeah, plastic surgery exists, things exist to where you can change the way you look, but I think it's healthiest to accept the way you look before making changes. I think I say that, but also I don't want to say anything wrong. And if you disagree with that, feel free to message the pod and let me know why I'm wrong. But I at least with like um body positivity and losing or gaining weight in that kind of way, I think that it can become unhealthy if you think you're only going to be happy when you look a certain way. That's so true. So it is important to accept how you look. And if you want to change something about the way you look, cool. But also maybe be like, I love myself now, but it'll also be nice to easier said than done. Everything is easier said than done. I'm I struggle to do all these things. I'm just I'm just talking. Blah blah blah. Meet mop meat mah mah. But anyway, trying to be perfect in any sense, this is the take home, can be exhausting. And you're kind of like working at you're like, what's the word? Like beating a dead horse. Like I hate that phrase. Um, you're kind of um I also why does why isn't clawing? You're clawing at um clawing at what is the what is the term? I don't know. Grasping at straws. I don't know. Oh, grasping straws. Clawing at something. I don't know. You know what I you know what I mean. Our sippy of the wiki this week is perfect because it is very it is an imperfect sip. Yeah. Anyway, I don't know how I feel about this episode, and it's ironic that I'm not loving it because it's not perfect. But it is what it is. But it is what it is. Accept it! And even if you listen back and you don't like it, I hope it helps someone. I guess that's it. I guess I can't think of anything else to say, Orin. I guess you don't really struggle with perfectionism. I feel like this was mostly me being like, do I mean I guess it's not a big struggle for me. Like, I don't know. But I also feel like I made myself sound like the worst in this episode. That's how I feel about myself. Wait, really? I feel like I sound, I don't know, or maybe it's just that I was too vulnerable. I feel like no one's going to want to hire me ever again. I'm literally like, I show up late to work, I don't give a fuck. You guys, if I am doing something, I don't show up late to nannying because there is a child that needs my care and I would not show up late. I will But you also care about that. And I care about that. Okay, yes, the point is if I care about something, I will be on time. If I don't like it, you're thinking about your winery job. Yes, city Oh my god! Okay, before you were the worst employee there. I was the worst. I got fired. You got fired while you were quitting? I was sending an email telling them I was quitting, and while I was typing the email, an email, a new email from them popped into my inbox that was firing me. And I was like, oh, perfect. Like I was already gonna leave, anyways. But yeah, I mean, I showed up like I would show up like two hours late most days. What do you mean? Was no one like, where are you? They were I would and it's because it was never just because I was like hanging out with friends, it was always from auditions. And now And then they would show up, and then they'd be like, Where were you? Yeah, or I'd text them and be like, sorry, I'm running a little late today. I'll be there in a couple of hours. A little late. I'm like, I have an audition. I'm sorry, that job paid minimum wage. They also didn't need me, barely any the restaurant sh closed down very shortly after I left, by the way. It was like I literally did nothing. So I was never worried about it. And my shifts were on like random days. I was not needed, literally at all. And I'm not just saying that. Like I the waiters would I was a hostess and there would be like two tables in the entire restaurant during my shifts. Like I was not needed. So I didn't really feel bad. I didn't feel like if I feel like someone's relying on me, then it's different. But like when I worked at Lululemon and City Winery, sorry, y'all don't need me. And if I have an audition, I will prioritize that. Now, when it's jobs like nannying, I'm not gonna show up late and make a kid like have to get off the bus without a parent there in the middle of New York City because I'm at an audition. I would never do that, but something like a city winery, yeah, I'm gonna go to my audition and work on my acting career over that. But like could I have gone about it in a much better way? Yeah. Nor most people would not show up two hours late to a job. I did not care about that job at all. They were paid me minimum wage, and I don't know. Like that job was just weird and stupid. Like, I don't know. Anyways, bye. Okay. You can follow us at Take It Home Pod on Instagram and TikTok. And please share this episode with someone you think would like it that would really help us out. Are you sleeping? Um, and yeah, help us grow. That would be great. All right, goodbye. I feel weird. Why? Like physically. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 57:00

Bye.